When was the last time you said yes to something you didn’t want to do—simply because saying no felt impossible?
For my client Zara, a senior technical leader, this pattern had defined her entire career. Every request that came her way received an immediate yes. Urgent projects with unrealistic deadlines? Yes. Last-minute asks that derailed her priorities? Yes. Commitments that sacrificed her evenings and weekends? Yes, yes, yes.
She believed this responsiveness made her valuable. Instead, it made her exhausted—and ironically, less respected by the very people she was trying to please.
The Pattern That Wasn’t Working
Zara came to coaching feeling stuck and overwhelmed. She had the technical expertise, the track record, and the work ethic. What she didn’t have was time, energy, or the recognition she deserved.
Her boss, in particular, had learned he could rely on her instant agreement to anything he requested. While other team members pushed back, negotiated timelines, or asked clarifying questions, Zara simply accepted. She thought this made her the reliable one, the team player, the person who got things done.
What it actually made her was the person who got taken advantage of.
The Shift That Changed Everything
Through our coaching sessions, Zara discovered something powerful: she didn’t need to have an answer immediately. She could create space between request and response.
We worked on a simple phrase she could deploy in any situation: “Can I think about it and come back to you?”
It sounds almost too simple, doesn’t it? But for someone who had spent years responding instantly to every demand, this pause represented a fundamental shift. She was claiming the right to consider whether a request aligned with her priorities, capacity, and strategic goals before committing.
At first, the phrase felt uncomfortable—almost rebellious. Zara worried that hesitation would make her seem less capable or committed.
What Happened When She Actually Said No
Here’s what Zara discovered: sometimes when she came back to people, her answer was actually no.
“I don’t have the time for this right now.”
“I don’t have the resources to take this on.”
These weren’t excuses—they were facts. But saying them out loud felt terrifying at first. She worried about damaging relationships or being seen as unhelpful.
The first few times she said no, she braced herself for fallout. Anger. Disappointment. Damaged relationships.
The Peace She Didn’t Expect
Instead, something unexpected happened—but not what you might think.
Her boss didn’t suddenly throw her a party. Her workload didn’t magically lighten. She didn’t get an instant promotion.
What she got was something more valuable: calm.
She felt grounded. She didn’t need to fix everything or be responsible for everyone else’s poor planning. She could disappoint people and survive it.
As Zara reflected in one of our recent sessions: “It’s like he sees me valuing myself now when I’m with other colleagues, and he is giving me more respect than ever—something he never did before!”
But the bigger shift was internal. She felt resourceful, not depleted. Resilient, not reactive. Peaceful, not perpetually anxious.
She laughed when I reminded her of a principle we’d discussed early in our work together: “We teach people how to treat us.”
Her boss hadn’t suddenly become a better manager. He was simply responding to the new lessons Zara was teaching him about how she expected to be treated. But more importantly, Zara had stopped waiting for external validation to feel worthy.
Why This Pattern Is So Common for Technical Women
I’ve seen this dynamic countless times in my 25 years coaching women in STEM fields. Accomplished, competent women—often the only woman in technical leadership—fall into the pattern of over-committing because they believe it demonstrates their capability.
The irony? The opposite is true.
When you say yes to everything, you signal that your time has no particular value. When you accept every unrealistic deadline, you suggest that planning and prioritization don’t matter. When you never acknowledge resource constraints, you teach people that limits don’t apply to you.
Meanwhile, your colleagues—often male peers—regularly say things like “I don’t have capacity” or “I’ll need additional resources for that.” And they get respected for being realistic and strategic.
The Questions That Create the Shift
Zara’s transformation didn’t come from me giving her advice or scripts to memorize. It emerged from our coaching conversations where she discovered her own insights through strategic questions.
For example, when she worried about disappointing her boss by saying no, I asked: “Who are you disappointing every time you say ‘Yes!’?”
That one question unlocked everything. She realized she’d been prioritizing everyone else’s needs while consistently disappointing herself, her family, and her own wellbeing.
When she discovered this answer herself—not because I told her, but because she worked through it in our sessions—she owned it. And when you own the insight, you actually implement it.
What Changed for Zara
Six months into our 12-month coaching partnership, Zara has:
- Reclaimed her evenings and weekends for herself and her family
- Stopped feeling responsible for everyone else’s poor planning
- Gained a sense of calm she hadn’t felt in years
- Discovered she could disappoint people and the relationship survived
- Earned visible respect from her boss and senior stakeholders
She describes feeling grounded, resourceful, and resilient—words she wouldn’t have used to describe herself when we started.
Will this lead to a promotion eventually? Maybe. But that’s not why the work matters. The peace, agency, and self-respect she’s gained are the real wins—often as big, if not bigger, than any eventual promotion.
The Simple Phrases That Change Everything
You don’t need a complex system or elaborate scripts. You need permission to pause—and permission to tell the truth about your capacity.
“Can I think about it and come back to you?”
“Let me check my priorities and get back to you by end of day.”
“I want to give this proper consideration—can I respond tomorrow?”
And sometimes, when you come back, your honest answer is:
“I don’t have the time for this right now.”
“I don’t have the resources to take this on.”
These phrases don’t make you less capable. They make you more strategic. They don’t damage relationships. They earn respect—from others, and more importantly, from yourself.
We teach people how to treat us. What lessons are you teaching?
Ready to explore how coaching could help you gain the peace and agency you deserve? Email me at for a complimentary chemistry call. Let’s discuss what’s actually holding you back from feeling grounded in your career.
