Developing empathy for ‘annoying’ colleagues can feel like a tall order. Given our busy schedules, it’s not something most of us spend much time on. We feel ‘too busy’ to wonder, let alone enquire what is going on for that person.
However, we aren’t too busy to ruminate over the difficulty they are causing us, or dream about what we’d really like to say to them! This is a strange perversion of our time.
If you could empathise with them first, you’d likely get much further in reducing or even avoiding the hassle they cause.
As part of the Peak Resilience Accelerator course, we spend time thinking about how to see the ‘inner child’ our enemy has. Visualising what may have been going on for them as a 3 year old can help us reflect on what they are going through now.
In fact, developing empathy turned out to be key for Anna!
Finding the ‘Inner Child’
Anna, a current PRA client, used this strategy to great fanfare.
She’d spent the first 15 minutes of our session talking about Doug, a colleague who gave her no end of headaches. Developing empathy for Doug felt like a tall order!
I asked her: ‘What might be going on for Doug that you can’t see?’
As we talked through that, focusing on developing empathy, Anna realised Doug had a lot riding on his shoulders professionally.
Indeed, she’d won a role Doug had likely thought he was in the running for. Plus, he had recently removed the photo he’d had of his wife from his desk. She’d also seen him wince a few times in the hall – suggesting physical pain Doug didn’t talk about.
If You Want to See the Benefits of Developing Empathy (Even for Difficult People)
Ask yourself:
- What might be going on for the people that ‘annoy’ you that you can’t see?
- How likely is it that their reactions are solely about you?
- How could having more empathy for yourself and others serve you?
Slowing her pace down and developing empathy, Anna realised how little she knew about Doug.
She recognised how the trouble he caused her was likely not the root cause of the anger and frustration he expressed throughout the office. Indeed, she reflected, she wasn’t the only one who found him difficult.
Mind Over Matter
One of the key aspects to the Peak Resilience Accelerator is mindfulness exercises.
Clients use these exercises, for less than 5 minutes a time, several times a day, to ground themselves. These exercises prevent us from getting worked up – particularly by the situations involving people like Doug.
These App-based exercises my PRA clients use were useful in grounding for Anna. They got her into that headspace of ‘developing empathy’ faster.
After a few weeks, I asked what had happened to Doug.
She smiled and said: ‘He doesn’t bother me much these days.’
She continued: “I’ve realised I’m not the cause of his issues, and interestingly, because I take him less personally, he’s actually opened up a bit more.
Anna explained: ‘Perhaps he knows it won’t be as confrontational as I might have been historically, because I’d felt attacked.’
Anna talked through the ease she was now feeling.
Spreading Kindness
It reminded me of research demonstrating people with high Positive Intelligence scores, the type we are improving via the Peak Resilience Accelerator, enjoyed more accuracy in decision making with less effort.
As we talked, I asked where else this perspective shift in developing empathy – even for difficult people – was showing up for her?
Anna laughed as observed: ‘Actually, I’m also a lot less annoyed by my brother, Ron, as well!’
She said: ‘He used to make snide comments about the choices I’d made; what I did, where I lived, even how I voted.’
She explained: ‘But now I realise Ron’s living his ‘best life’; the life our father created for him – even giving Ron his business.
Anna continued: ‘I’ve chosen a completely different life, but I’m very happy – even if it doesn’t look like the life we were told we should want.’
If you’d like to make your decision making more effective, and with less effort, I’d love to help you set up a PRA group. As Anna and Doug demonstrated, it can even help develop empathy among fractious team members! So if that sounds worthwhile, get in touch with me at .
