In a recent Peak Resilience Group, I worked with Ranya, a STEM professional whose top saboteur was the ‘Pleaser.’
This was something we’d discovered in her free ‘Saboteur Discovery’ Session with me (something I’d also be happy to offer you!)
This meant she was motivated to make other people happy first, often at a cost to herself.
For Ranya, she knew this held her back sometimes, so ‘learning to say no’ was a big goal for her.
The People Pleasing Cycle
The Pleaser is a common Saboteur for my clients, as women are often socialised into this role from a very young age. Keeping people happy serves these people for a very long time – until it doesn’t. At that point, the only person who is no longer happy is themselves.
The ‘Pleaser’ in Ranya kept her working long hours, and she intuitively knew the benefits would be great if she could quieten this unhelpful voice. Learning to say no more often was going to make the biggest difference to her.
Indeed, research shows that people who have higher than average Positive Intelligence (PQ) scores, like the scores we are raising in the Peak Resilience Accelerator, experience less burn-out and take fewer sick days.
Ranya talked with the group about her need to take on less well-paid work. This was a challenge, as she often enjoyed clients who had smaller budgets. Indeed, they made sense for her when there was a replicable process she could repeat with them or others.
The True Power of Saying No
However, this most recent client required her to create a process so individual and bespoke, she knew she couldn’t use it with other clients.
As Ranya explained: ‘I mistakenly thought it was loss-leading work, but given this company isn’t even in the industry I serve, that means I can’t do very much with it afterwards. It’s just a loss.’
Focusing on empathy for yourself is one of the key tenets of Positive Intelligence work I do with people.
So, I observed: ‘You’ve served her well, but I also know you have other priorities for growing your business. By saying yes to her, what are you saying no to?’
If You Suspect Learning to Say No Would Help You, Ask Yourself:
- What does saying ‘yes’ so often cost you?
- What are you saying ‘no’ to?
- And how would this question work for you in reverse?
Ranya immediately answered: ‘To all the other clients I haven’t yet met! The ones who I’m not getting to know or approaching because I’m so busy with her work!’
This lightbulb moment galvanised Ranya.
She realised there were plenty of things she had been saying no to, in favour of this client.
She explained: ‘I’m saying no to my normal workouts at the gym and socialising at the weekend – all because I’m so busy trying to finish this project off, but at the same high standard I give clients who are paying far more!’
Accepting Permission
These ‘learning to say no’ realisations gave Ranya the ‘permission’ and motivation to turn down work that she knew would not pay well enough.
Wanting this ‘permission to say no’ is something I routinely hear from my female clients; many of whom are ‘Pleasers.’
If you were to ask yourself this question more often, what would it give you?
If this sounds familiar, I’d love to help you set up a PRA group for your workplace, so get in touch with me at !
