It’s shocking how quickly we can descend into the abyss when thinking about what we don’t know – or how we might get caught out by someone who does! These time consuming and destructive thoughts claim far too much mental bandwidth for many of my clients. This means overcoming self-doubt is key for many clients.
Clients can stew in past conversations or ruminate about future meetings for far too long. It distracts them from the things they want to be thinking about. Or indeed, as I know all too well, it can rob them of their sleep!
The Root of the Problem
Maria, who is on my Peak Resilience Accelerator course for individuals, is one such client.
In looking at her saboteurs, Maria discovered she is a ‘Pleaser’ and ‘Hyper-Achiever.’ These came out of the ‘Saboteur Discovery’ session we did together. (In fact, this free tool is one you could also access with me.)
Maria’s key goal for our work together?
Not to take things so personally. Sounds familiar?
Maria works mostly with men, and spends a lot of her time unpacking the comments they make and, in particular, second-guessing herself.
This isn’t helpful, particularly when the evidence demonstrates she is doing her job very well.
For Maria, overcoming self-doubt was vital.
Having to ‘Know It All’
As we talked about an upcoming presentation for which she was preparing, she reflected how ‘on-edge’ she often felt.
She feared waiting to be asked a question that she didn’t know the answer to.
Maria has a senior technical job, so feels she needs to know it ALL!
I asked her to tell me a time when she’d seen her female mentor, Sinead, be asked a question to which she didn’t know the answer.
Maria cheerfully responded; ‘Oh, Sinead just says: ‘That’s a great question, and while I don’t have the details to hand, I could get someone in my team to look into it. After all, I wouldn’t want to give you bad information.’’
If You Suspect Overcoming Self-Doubt Would Serve You, Ask Yourself:
- How would you feel if you saw the behaviour you fear showing in someone else?
As we continued our conversation, I then asked Maria how she felt about that type of response?
Did Maria judge Sinead badly? Or think her mentor was ‘wrong’ or ‘didn’t know enough’?
Maria laughed: ‘No, of course not, Sinead can’t be expected to know all the details – that’s why she has a team!’
Maria smiled, rolling her eyes as she answered; remembering that she too has her own team.
She thoughtfully continued: ‘In fact, that’s why it’s called ‘teamwork’ – she needs to be able to rely on them, and given how senior Sinead has become, it looks like it’s working out for her!’
Indeed, Maria admired and appreciated Sinead hugely, as they both worked together on a single project.
She admitted that without women like Sinead, she would have thought more seriously about leaving the organisation.
Impossible Standards are Limiting You
This is something I’ve heard from many of my clients who either are the ‘Sineads’ of their organisation or have a Sinead who inspires and reminds them they can progress.
‘Sineads’ of any organisation run teams that are often very aspirational for others – men and women. I recognise this indeed is a heavy burden for them to bear. However, I was coaching Maria, and so had to use the ‘concept’ of Sinead to help Maria move forward. This mental shift helped Maria in overcoming self-doubt.
After all, she couldn’t hold herself to higher standards than she’d hold for someone as impressive as Sinead!
Her comment reminded me of the research that shows that staff members who have high Positive Intelligence score benefitted from more effective teams.
If you’d like to make your team more effective, I’d love to help you set up a PRA group for your workplace, so get in touch with me at .
