I was recently speaking with Jennifer, a senior woman in tech who has been participating in my Peak Resilience Accelerator programme, a course that provides coaching for women leaders. Her mental reframe over the duration of the programme was notable, and one I’ve recognised in many of my clients; it may be useful to you too as you transform your mindset!
Then Versus Now
I’d been working with Jennifer for many months when she wanted to tell me a ‘great story’ about a one-to-one interaction she’d had with a colleague. She had been looking forward to getting to know the person – John, who was part of a Board on which she was also a member – better. Sounds safe enough, right?
She told me that John proceeded to dress her down; lamenting that he didn’t really understand her value to the team, questioning why she’d been invited to attend, and then, after 30 minutes, asking if they could meet again soon, as he wasn’t done with all he wanted to relay! As her executive coach, I was wondering how she felt this was a ‘great story,’ so I asked what made this such a remarkable meeting – a ‘great’ one, even? This was a real departure from much of the ‘normal’ coaching for women leaders I’d historically done, so I was curious as to her rationale.
As we continued in her session, Jennifer observed: ‘That exchange with John would have knocked the stuffing out of me months ago, to the point of doubting my place in our highly competitive larger team. But now I realise the more mental energy I give John, who most people actually find pretty difficult, the less time I’m giving the projects on which I’m leading for Brian! And there is no way I’m doing that!’
Remember What You Bring to the Team!
Jennifer laughed and told me: ‘Obviously, it upset me for a day or two, but I bounced back so much faster than I would have done before we started working together! I went to the evidence; no one else objected to me being there – quite the opposite, which as the only woman in those meetings, feels pretty good. Plus, I realised that this was probably more about the messages John likely hoped I’d pass on to my boss, Brian. John saw Brian as a peer, but because of Brian’s big promotion to CEO, Brian was now his boss.
‘I also realised I didn’t work for John, I worked for Brian – sounds obvious, but it took time for me to realise I didn’t need to regard them equally. I realised Brian wasn’t doing me any ‘favours’ by inviting me. Indeed, Brian told me he knew I’d keep the group organised and it was my job to make sure everyone progressed on the tasks they’d agreed to do – something that wasn’t happening fast enough for Brian’s liking, before he invited me to that meeting.’
As we continued in her session, Jennifer observed: ‘That exchange with John would have knocked the stuffing out of me months ago, to the point of doubting my place in our highly competitive larger team. But now I realise the more mental energy I give John, who most people actually find pretty difficult, the less time I’m giving the projects on which I’m leading for Brian! And there is no way I’m doing that!’
Don’t Get Bogged Down by the Boys Club
Indeed, as we finished the session, Jennifer realised that her conversation with John was a ‘gift’ – like a dry-run for dealing with idiots, something she suspected she’d have to do more often! She realised there was no point in taking his comments personally. His points were likely borne out of his annoyance at the shifting power dynamics at work. After all, Brian could now invite whoever he wanted to their meetings! Those that may have felt like part of the previous ‘boys club,’ where not enough went into following up on the actual work, may have felt aggrieved that a less-than-stellar delivery was not going to cut it with Jennifer’s arrival.
Perspective is Key
A reframe of this type is so important to hear from my clients. It’s illustrative of the type of work we do during my coaching for women leaders, such as the Peak Resilience Accelerator. If you have difficult characters to deal with at work, perhaps this mindset could work for you too?
What reframe do you want to make that could transform your mindset?
If you think this kind of mental rewiring is something you could benefit from, keep an eye out for my next round of Peak Resilience Accelerator sessions, or get in contact for some executive coaching sessions, or a webinar talk.
